Spartacus: Blood and Sand 1x01 – The Red Serpent

So I’m actually gonna do a proper review of this show. I gotta do more reviews and I might as well start now. The only reason I’m watching this show is because of Lucy Lawless and the dude that plays Spartacus because he was the lead in ‘Gabriel’ and I really kinda loved that little indie flick. Now I’m not a scholar, I suck at names, geography escapes me so if I misspell things, don’t get everything correct, please forgive.

And here…we…go…

Spartacus: Blood and Sand 1x01 – The Red Serpent

Opening Title – did I accidentally double click in 300 instead?

Spartacus in shackles. Okay, hawt. I’m with you so far, show.

Oh look, gladiators fighting.

No seriously, did I put on 300?

Also, if I were Spartacus hearing the fight above me I’d be shitting myself. That’s why I’m not Spartacus.

This is where the audience asks itself “But wait, I feel like we’re jumping right into the middle of the story. HOW did he get there?” Luckily we get the answer in form of a -

FLASHBACK! The Romans have come to the Thracian’s to ask for their help in fighting the Jedi…I mean the Getae. The Thracian’s are all ‘fuck you, why should we?’ and Spartacus ‘speaks out of turn but not out of truth’ and asks what they get out of it. The Romans assure them that an alliance with them will lead to the destruction of the Jedi. Hm, why do I have a very bad feeling about this?

Spartacus meets his wife that kinda looks like Michelle from Kings (but isn’t, thank GOD) – Sura – and she does the wife like encouraging thing and then they have sex. Kinda really boring sex.

Next morning she’s standing in a bad green screen composite and angsts. Wtf wife chick? You tell him to go fight and now you’re all ‘lawlz jk, I had a bad dream about some red serpent thing that you’re bowing down to and now you need to stay’ He’s all ‘Nah, blood and honor and SPAAAAARTAAAAA…I mean…SPARTACUUUUS!’ Man up chicky. Husbands go to war all the time. Stop crying.

Omg the green screen composites. Can that background LOOK any faker? Okay, to be fair, the actual keys are nice, it’s the composites. The color’s just don’t match, it looks like they’re walking in front of a very obvious matte painting….WHICH THEY ARE.

We’re treated to a cool time passage montage. I guess. Um, no, actually, not really. It’s WAY too long.

Wtf are they fighting orcs?

300 wants their blood effects back.

And their time ramp effects.

Spartacus’ people are awesome and kicking ass Spartan style. Romans show up and take the glory. OF COURSE. The Romans lied – shocking.

The other Thracian’s are all upset and unruly but Spartacus is so honorable. Giving his word has meaning and he’ll even eat the shit soup that the Romans give them. He’ll also fuck your shit up if you insult his wife.

Oh he’s such a good guy, he helps the man up that insulted his wife and just punched him in the face. Such a good guy, Spartacus. I totally connect with you now. No wait, no I don’t.

So the head Roman dude - Gaius Claudius Glaber - breaks up the fight and heads back to his illustrious little tent where some blonde ditzy chick sneaks up on him. Apparently his wife. And a spoiled rich bitch. Awesome?

So they’re talking and Glaber complains that he doesn’t get the glory if he wins. Ditzy wife is upset because daddy secured the position for him to shine.

Btw, why do they have british accents?

And why does roman dude look so familiar? Let me look that up. HALDIR! He from now on be referred to as Haldir.

Wife chick drops her clothes. She is a natural blonde.

...haldir just went down on someone. D: MY EYES

So Spartacus and his wife insulting friend go stake out the orcs…jedi…whatever the fuck, bad guys and find out the bad guys are gonna go attack their village. Of course the Romans don’t want to go help. In retaliation Spartacus’ wife insulting friend steals Haldir’s wine. I bet it’s poisioned

Nope. I was wrong.

Spartacus and the others refuse to march where the Romans say cause it means leaving their villages undefended. Fight scene. Romans die. Now they’re fucked.

Um, and suddenly we’re back with the wife picking fruit. Why? Oh, she’s startled. Scary figures approach. Oh right, the village gets attacked by the jedi-orcs. Guess it’s bad that I forgot that minor detail after only 1 scene. At least she knows how to fight, kinda. Rape time, now?

Nope, Spartacus TO THE RESCUE. Hey now she fights too. Yays! Hey, she saved Spartacus’ ass. Nice. She may be more useful than I thought.

Oh shit, the village still burns. Luckily Spartacus happened to be at the exact place where she’s picking fruit at the exact time the jedi-orcs were attacking her. Man that was a lucky break for the plot.

So they’re away at this sad little camp out and Spartacus tells her she was right, he shouldn’t have gone. She blah blahs about how he had given his word and the Romans are the ones that betrayed. She tends his wounds.

OMG A RED SERPENT LIKE WOUND.

So Spartacus decides since the village is gone, they can go start over. They’re just gonna go live somewhere in the south and wife chick cries. She cries a lot but she killed like 4 bad guys so it’s okay. She’s just grateful he came back for her even though it could’ve meant his life. “There is no life without you” Awwww! I’d kiss him too! Another sex scene? Omg do they only know that one position? Oh wait, no, there’s more. Still boring though. Guess they’re going for tender. TRU WUV!

HOPE YOU TOOK THE MORNING AFTER PILL CHIKCY! Uh-oh, Haldir’s there! The Roman’s have them and are beating the shit out of Spartacus while they’re dragging poor naked wife away. SLOOOOW MOOOOTION! His wife has been condemned to slavery and he’s gonna die. Sucks for them.

Fucking WEIRD transition AHHH WTF, odd!

Suddenly he’s on a boat, shackled and with his army. Thank GOD he was placed right by his wife insulting friend. Otherwise who would tell him what happened? Alas, he just cares about what happened to his wife. Shock, horror!

You know, for a tv show they have some cool effects.

Haldir and his wife are reunited in rome! Awwwww, I so don’t care. They are cute though. Daddy’s not very pleased with Haldir. Apparently him returning early is a bad idea. He’s gonna make the Thracians gladiators, a creative form of execution. If the crowd loves him so will the senate. Sneaky bastard.

Harem. Where’s Xerxeus? Is that fierce bitch in this too? No, just some old due. I guess it’s ditzy wife’s father. Yup. Orgy party, yay?

Some skinny bitch (Lentulus Batiatus) shows off his gladiators. Scary McBeef Men. One is nicknamed ‘the god of blood and sand’. I guess now I know where the name comes from. Some other skinny bitch also shows of his gladiators.

LUCY (Lucretia, well that won’t be hard to remember)! LUCY YOU FIERCE BITCH I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU! She’s the wife of the first skinny bitch, making him, I guess, the important skinny bitch. Haldir shows off HIS Gladiators and everyone’s all ‘oh shit, dude, Spartans!’ Not really, but they might as well be. Lucy’s all “What’re you gonna do about being one upped, husband skinny bitch?” and he just ‘hmphs’ like a skinny bitch. Spartacus looks at the slaves like ‘omg, where is my wife?’

Now fierce bitch Lucy and skinny bitch husband duel with skinny bitch #2. They snark at each other and Lucy’s all ‘Listen skinny bitch #2, you ain’t got nothing on me. My husband may be a dolt but I got us fucking front row seats with the senator so eat me’ Meanwhile Spartacus is all OMG WHERE AM I?! WHY ARE THERE LESBIANS?! And the other’s are all ‘well if I’m gonna die I might as well watch the hot chicks make out’ Some gladiator dude singles Spartacus out, don’t really know why.

They love their weird transitions. I guess it’s their signature effect. Kinda cool, works for me.

Now we’re back at the beginning of the episode with Spartacus in chains waiting for the games. That rhymes! They drag his ass up to the arena and he struggles, of course. His wife insulting friend up against a gladiator and he just got his throat slashed open. It spurts dramatically and he falls to his knees in slow motion, the force of the blow spinning his body to face Spartacus. His dying gaze seems to say ‘I can’t belive I lost’ while whispering ‘avenge me’. Spartacus stares on in horror, with one question going through his mind again and again “Why? Why me? How did I get here? Why must I fight?” …sorry. The emotion of the scene got the better of me.

Anyway the dude is dead, the crowd cheers, Spartacus looks angrily into the camera, Haldir is well pleased, Lucy is still a fierce bitch. All is good.

So Spartacus steps out to fight, he wanders around like an idiot for a second but then readies himself, angry. ANGRY. Suddenly the doors open and…3 MORE gladiators show up. 4 against 1?! The crowd does not approve. Haldir is all ‘bitch please, it’ll be good, this guy deserves it’ and he gives the command for the fight to start. AND THEY’RE OFF.

Swing, dodge, thrust, trip! Spartacus is down! He gets slashed across the back, there’s blood! The crowd is sure it’s over. Shield to the face! Ow! Um…I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure a thrust to the back of the head like that would’ve broke his neck or at LEAST knocked him out, judging by the buckets of blood that just came spurting out of his skull. Anyway, it’s a tv show.

So there he is, on his knees, beaten, broken. He looks up and sees…A FUCKING RED SERPENT ON THE GLADIATORS SHIELD! HIS WIFE WAS RIGHT OMG! Haldir is all ‘finish him’ and Spartacus’ wife’s voice rings in his ears ‘Kill them all’ Me thinks we’re about to see a dramatic turn around in the fight, folks!

HE STABS THE BITCH! And suddenly he can fight like he hasn’t fought before, nevermind the beating he just took that should’ve killed him! he’s ANGRY! Nothing touches him. The gladiators fall like flies! OH IT’S A BLOOD BATH! The crowd cheers! THEY GO WILD! “KILL KILL KILL!” Spartacus stabs the hell out of the guy with no legs that’s desperately trying to crawl away (okay that’s kinda sad) and the blood EXPLODES!

No, it literally explodes out of the dude’s back. It’s a lot of blood. Learn from 300 guys, less is more, that was like a truck load of blood that just exploded all over the place. Way too much. Anyway YAY SPARTACUS! IT’S LIKE YOU WEREN’T HURT AT ALL.

And Haldir is like ‘well shit, he was supposed to die’. The crowd shouts ‘live’ while husband skinny bitch decides to purchase Spartacus so they don’t have to kill him and Haldir gets all pissy. Senator agrees, Haldir is upset, Spartacus lives. Hey wait a minute…his name isn’t ACTUALLY Spartacus? They’re NAMING him Spartacus after the Thracian king of old? They never mentioned this dudes name? Really? …really? Oh, okay.

Okay, you can pretty much do anything with a screaming crowd shot and I’m sold.

Oh, Steven S. DeKnight made this show? Well played.

So as far as a first episode goes it was alright. The effects were impressive and looked reasonably high budget, but blatantly ripping off 300’s look and style makes me compare it to 300 which it just can’t hold a candle to. The fight scenes are good, the acting is decent, the dialogue is mostly forgettable and the cast is hot.

I really kind of wish the episode hadn’t been mostly flashbacks. I think it would’ve been much more interesting to have it start with him in chains and have us piece together what happened through mini flash backs and visual/audio clues. Spartacus comes on a little heavy-handed. He’s the honorable, kind yet kick-ass main character. Honestly, he comes across as kinda boring. None of the characters have depth yet, but maybe that will change as we go along.

So that’s my review, I hope you guys enjoyed it. I’m planning on doing this whenever I watch something now, but chances are I’ll be slacking off. Oh well, one can hope!